It’s so funny. For weeks now I’ve been thinking about different things and I say to myself, “OH! I want to blog about that.” I never do, though. Tonight is a weird feeling night though. It’s 8:30 but G thinks it’s 9:30 (Daylight Savings) so she’s asleep. Christopher just left to go watch the Bears play with a friend and the T.V. isn’t even on. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve had a night like this for a very long time, at least 5 months. I keep saying I need some time to myself, but as I laid my baby girl down to sleep tonight I had a vicious war going on in my head on if I should lay her down and face this “alone time” or bring her back down to snuggle with me on the couch. My baby girl is getting bigger though and she just doesn’t sleep well on the couch with me anymore. As sad as I was (am) and as much as I hate to admit it (Hate. Hate. Hate), she’s not a teencey tince anymore…she’s a BABY. She’s getting teeth, she’s giggling, she cries when I leave and I’m so addicted to her it’s not even funny. So tonight, I “face” the alone time (and secretly hope she fusses so I can rock her back to sleep, but also hope she stays asleep cause I’m exhausted).
Somewhere amidst the last 5 months, my high-need, nurse every 2 hours day and night, “hold me constantly”, baby has stolen my identity. I’m not real sure I remember what I liked to do before G got here. I’m really okay with this, but now I understand empty nest syndrome…and my child’s only 5 months old. She touches me 24-7 though- so I feel rather nakey without her!
Anyways- On with my blog…about Confidence.
I’ve lacked confidence for most of my teen/adult life. I’m not sure why…though I know my mom was sometimes a little worried about how people perceived her and often asked after getting ready, ” Does this outfit make me look like I think I’m something?” She never wanted people to think she thought too highly of herself. But I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and I made the comment, ” With my next baby, I’m going to be more confident in the decisions I make.” See, I know for a fact I have cared very much about how people see me parent my child. But I’ve always been like this and I always say, “next time…”
When I was in college, I can remember telling myself that after I got out of college and lost some weight I was going to love myself more. After college I remember telling myself that once I got engaged I would have a wedding to get ready for so surely (though I had now lost 10 lbs. since college) I would lose some (more) weight and love myself more. Then I got married and went to Mexico. I looked good, I felt good, but I was constantly wanting to lose those 3 more lbs. Then the day came when I knew I wasn’t losing anymore weight…I was pregnant (Insert Horror Movie track). As my belly (and the rest of me) grew I continued to look back and see how “skinny I was” and thought about how when I got that body back, I was going to love myself more. Here I am post-baby and at a weight that most days I feel okay with but I still have very little (Christopher would say, zero) confidence.
It’s exhausting to be your biggest critic- I feel I’m never adequate as a mom (I know I’m a good mom, though), as a wife (I try SO hard), as a daughter/daughter-in-law, and as a Christian. I want so badly to feel a sense of WOW from the people closest to me and I have no idea why I do it. When I let them down, I lose it. Just recently Christopher and I went to the mall for some shopping. I could sense his frustration the second we stepped into the mall (which believe it or not is weird, because he enjoys shopping) and I asked him what was wrong. He said, ” I just am not in the mood for your shopping trips. You know what you NEED and you find it and then you don’t buy it.” He then continued on with, “You pick out these baggy clothes and these ‘mom’ shirts and assume that’s what you should be wearing, you have no confidence.”
I’m tired of having no confidence.I’m tired of assuming that people expect more from me. I’m tired of not taking the plunge on something because someone else thinks differently than me. I’m tired of worrying if my baby should be sleeping through the night by now (even though she’s a BABY and it’s a cultural desire for us to MAKE them sleep when they naturally don’t), if co-sleeping is ruining my marriage (even though it works for us and Chris insists he’s totally cool with it) and if everyone is getting time to enjoy G (when we end up being so busy, we don’t even get a weekend alone at our own home to enjoy her). So today, here are 10 things I know for sure that I want for my life right now and I’m (for my own sanity) going to list them and be 100% CONFIDENT and okay with all of them…
1. G eats every 2 hours. It’s not ideal, but it’s comforting to her and I’m willing to adjust my schedule around that to accommodate her, rather than listen to her scream in between feedings.
2. I’m 146 lbs. and my boobs are way bigger than I ever wanted them to be and sometimes If I stand at the right angle, I still look pregnant… There’s nothing I can do about it now except for eat healthy and exercise when I can (which isn’t everyday), so I’m not going to pretend that I can do anymore than that.
3. G sleeps with us every night (EVERY.) Our marriage is not suffering and we’re still super duper in love and happy.
4. I do the necessities of housework every day in our apartment, and a lot of times I hold G through her naps because she sleeps longer…and sometimes I nap too.
5. I don’t work outside the home and I will have a blank spot on my resume’ if I ever go back to work…and I’m okay with that. But, I’m dying to teach and I’m frustrating with getting turned down for lack of experience.
6. We don’t plan to buy a house in the near future and we find value in renting at this time in our lives.
7. Music is my only escape and if I have the chance to play somewhere and I make a comment about it being an added stressor…I secretly am dying to do it, for myself.
8. I miss my family in Quincy and the support that they provide more than anything in the world and if it worked for Christopher and I right now, I would move back in a heartbeat.
9. I put a LOT of pictures of my child on Facebook and I brag about her so much…but it’s because I am SUPER CONFIDENT that she’s darling and I get excited for other people to enjoy her cuteness.
10. Lastly, I’m Catholic and I’ve done the research (and continue to do the research). I think it is truth and yes, I submit to “rules” that I don’t always understand right away; I trust that a theologian who has been studying the Bible in multiple languages for years is smarter than I am in interpreting it…I pray for understanding of that rule, I make my frustrations known to God about that rule, and then I research to get a better understanding of why it is expected in my walk with Christ.
WOOOO. That feels good. I just want to be loved for me. I want to be the person who says, “I don’t care what other people say.”
I know I’ll never be that person completely, but I’m looking forward to working towards becoming a more confident and beautiful (whatever size) version of me.
What do you do to make yourself feel more okay with you? Does confidence come with age? Do you try to please others first???
I promise I’m coming back to blogging…I’m gonna start demanding some time for myself to think again.
You are not alone, Ashleigh! I struggle every day with confidence. Some days are better than others, but there is always that little voice in my head questioning my choices, appearance, attitudes/thoughts/opinions, etc. Here’s hoping it gets better for us both!
Thanks, Mary!
That’s why I love our little lunches. We need to have another get together soon to get some adult chatting in. 
I appreciate it.
Ahleigh….you are a great mom! You know G’s needs and desires and therefore you are a great mom to her. Alexandria was the same way with her sleeping and eating every three hours until she was about 1. Enjoy your special time together you will never have that time again. She also slept with us if that is what she needed to sleep then that is what she got.. My theory if she is sleeping I am sleeping! She also napped in my arms for a long time… I too would nap or catch up on tv I also gained my new tv shows or read a book… Again enjoy the time it won’t be long before that snuggle/ cuddle time is gone. Alexandria is now 2 1/2 she is a very smart beautiful little girl who has been taking great naps for about a year in her bed and now sleeps all night in her room ( sometimes she still comes to visit) I know I did what was and is best for Alexandria. You need to know you are doing what is best or you Christopher and most importantly YOUR baby girl. Don’t listen to the books or your friends or sometimes even the dr. On how she should be sleeping or eating- every kid is different and only YOU her mommy knows what is best for her. If you ever need anything I always here. It sounds like Alexandria and miss G are very similar. Love and luck to you Ashleigh. You are a wonderful fabulous and beautiful woman!
First of all stop trying to please others. You will never be happy if you do things only to make others(random people that don’t matter) happy with your life. You have to do the things that make you happy.
Girl, stop weighing yourself! If you have to weigh yourself, do it once a week at the same time every week. It’s the only way to really see if there’s a difference. I like to judge my size by how tight pants fit. Also instead of doing cardio to lose weight, start lifting weights to tone your body. I started lifting weights last year, and it’s really changed my body. I have gotten a ton of compliments from people about how great I look, but I haven’t lost any weight. And I find weight lifting a lot more enjoyable than running on the treadmill. It’s pretty awesome to be one of the only girls in the man room weight room at the gym.
Also you are so beautiful! You should march back to that mall and buy a top that you don’t feel comfortable in and force yourself to wear it. You have to do something out of your comfort zone if you want to change the way you feel.
And don’t ever feel bad for renting a house! You are saving for an important goal, a goal that most Americans don’t reach. What you are doing now will set you up for financial security later in life. Most people make horrible financial decisions.
Love reading your blog and seeing how honest you are.
i came across your blog randomly one day and i have to tell you that it is so inspiring! i’m not married or have a child, but i still always feel as if i can relate to you somehow.
like i said, i’m not a mom but i’m sure that your baby is one of the happiest ones out there. you’re doing what makes HER happy, not going by what people tell you to do for her. that’s more than what many people can say.
and girl, you are GORGEOUS. be confident! you have every reason in the world to be. who cares about what you weigh? it’s just a number. as long as you feel beautiful, that’s all that matters.
thanks again for your inspiring blogs, i love them.
Thank you, Kristin! I am so glad you relate and enjoy the blog! I hope you will keep reading
I have started another bog or the next couple weeks (until Christmas) I’ll be posting there for the time being. Afterwards, we’ll be back in action here! 
Thanks, again! You’re awesome.