If you’ve been reading then you are aware of my recent and ongoing struggle to continue being a faith-filled Christian. Reflecting on past blogs, and hindsight being 20/20 I am aware that a lot of post-pregnancy hormones still played into recent posts. I’ve said it once and I will say it again, “Thank goodness faith is not about emotions.”
I have been wanting to share with you what happened shortly after I wrote the blog about wondering where God was and how I didn’t know if I even wanted Heaven anymore. I knew I needed to spend some alone time with God- and I knew just the place. The following evening after I wrote the blog, one of my favorite parishes (shhh…it’s really my ONLY favorite) Incarnate Word, hosts an evening once a month called “Encounter.” The night involves praise and worship music, a small reflection given by different people, Eucharistic Adoration, and a lot of teens filled with faith (which has always been inspiring to me). If you go back and read the post about “The finality of every moment” you will remember me talking about the way the famine in Somalia had struck me and I wondered how God could stand to see His children who he loved (even more than I love G) starving and in so much pain. It just so happened to be that the theme of “Encounter” that night was about the youth group’s trip to Nicaragua from which they had just returned. Unfortunately, as God would have it, I missed the entire reflection due to 1) having to leave with my daughter who decided to have a melt-down and 2)my naiveness in not realizing all bottle nipple sizes are NOT the same and an infant cannot functionally get milk from one that reads “Rapido.” I was so upset as I realized I was missing everything I came for until I made it back in, experienced adoration and of course, let the lyrics of the music really settle inside me as I opened my hands to God, unsure that He was even real…I sang…
“”I’ll lean not on my own understanding,
my life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven…
I’ll give it all to you God, trusting that You’ll make something Beautiful out of me.
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open…” – United Pursuit Band
At the end of adoration, Dan (the youth minister) thanked everyone for coming and made one final note (and yes, I knew God was speaking specifically to the unbeliever in me). He said, ” When we were in Nicaragua one of the students asked, ‘ These people have nothing. HOW can they possibly have faith in God?’ and a woman from Nicaragua who overheard them responded by saying, ‘Because He’s all we have.” …Woah.
I haven’t shared this story simply due to not having 5 minutes- but as I was laying in bed about 10 minutes ago, I realized I needed to respond…because I know that right now there are many questioning God. This brings me to my next (and last) section of this blog and really what this blog is about.
The starting lyrics of “How He Loves” have always been close to my heart and I realized something tonight.
Last weekend in Quincy a boating accident happened on the Mississippi and my best friend’s cousin, who was involved in the accident, is still missing 3 days later. As this story has unfolded a facebook page has gathered together for him and a candlelight vigil was held tonight in prayer that God would safely return him home. 3,752 people have joined the facebook page entitled, “Prayers for John Flaiz.” Today I lit my candle and prayed (as I have been non-stop for 3 days) from St. Louis… Today I also listened to a high school friend of mine talk about the “Glory of God” on a christian television show reflecting on the loss of her twin boys before they were even due. Last year around this time 522 members (at the very least) were praying for the success of my friend’s pregnancy. A friend of mine posted yesterday on facebook that her friends little boy who was 3 had died after a fight with a lifelong illness…I prayed. Last year around this time another high school friend of mine endured significant and life-altering brain surgery…3,546 people joined “Pray for Jess” and they prayed. This week there has been so many stories of life-altering events on facebook that my friends have posted. It really has me thinking though….Would God go that far?
The last thing I read tonight on facebook and what drove me to get up and type this is a post that my friend, Darren wrote tonight. He said, “leaves you with these words of Saint Augustine: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” Good night, everybody.”
And so without anymore explanation of where I’m going with this I leave you with a final thought…
Would God go so far; Would he be SO jealous for us, that he would use the deepest tragedies, the greatest heartaches, the most amazing miracles and the biggest life questions only to make us stop and utter a single heart-felt, “God? I need to talk.”
Praying for John, praying for a miracle, feeling the restlessness slow down, and finding God in suffering.
Goodnight.
