Thankful for this moment that continues to strengthen our love. (CLICK on image to enlarge)
It’s been 10 weeks since “G” arrived and life is good. As mentioned in previous posts, I never thought I could love this BIG- and everyday it really (honestly) does keep getting better. Those smiles early morning get me everytime… I’m smitten. She makes me want to be good.
If you read this blog “often” you know I tend to be a worrier. Worry here, worry there..etc. But tonight Christopher and G are both upstairs soundly sleeping, the dishwasher has been unloaded and reloaded, pants ironed, laundry started and one load folded, and the house picked up…I’ve run through enough thoughts in my head in the last hour of chores to last a lifetime. However, I’m extremely thankful for one thought…and it’s more of a realization and a constant than it is a thought; That Christopher isn’t going anywhere.
I’m so grateful to have a husband who has given me the opportunity to raise our little girl while staying at home. I know he doesn’t always see the value in that decision at the level that I do, but that’s okay. He works so hard for me… for us. Therefore, I know I have responsibilities as a stay-at-home momma that I recognize and try very hard not to be bitter about. With all that being said- I think all new moms…all moms will attest to the adjustment that goes on in a marriage when a little one arrives and turns a relationship upside-down. 
So tonight, I reveal my ultimate break-down that happened about 6 or 7 weeks after G got here
“Having a baby changes everything.” We heard it a million times, but I promise you…I will never repeat that statement to anyone who is pregnant. After having G, I realize the statement is true, but hearing the statement while pregnant only frustrated me…and it definitely never provided me any insight or preparation into what life would be like after having a baby. The first 6 weeks of having G were filled with diaper changes, sleepless nights, visitors, stress, tears, happiness, frustration, laughter and tears (lots of tears.). I’m an emotional person anyways, but this was ridiculous! No matter what though, I wanted our life no other way. We were now a family of 3. No turning back. As Christopher went back to work a week after G was born, my mom went back home, and the daily grind settled in I realized something; Christopher and I hadn’t had a conversation since the day she was born. We “ooooh-ed” and “Ahhh-d” in amazement at her together, we helped each other out and had “task-talk” about who was doing what, and we ate dinner in front of the T.V. just like we used to do…and never said a word to each other. We weren’t mad at each other, we just had nothing to say to each other…or we were too beat to talk. My day involved poopy diapers, naptimes, laundry and nursing and his involved a world of renting cars and irritated customers he wanted to forget about the second he walked in the door. So…we had nothing to discuss.
However, somewhere inside of me things were building up. My body was hurting and flabby but I still had so much to do each day, I felt unattractive and couldn’t figure out where in my day to fit a shower in, my teeth rarely got brushed before noon, and the laundry never ended. I had to sing in a wedding in July and I was SO excited to spend an evening with my new little family. Little did I know that 6 hours later I would literally be on my living room floor in the fetal position sobbing and begging Christopher to give me one more chance to explain my frustrations without yelling or cursing at him (yes, yelling. and Yes, cursing. And yes, it came from my mouth.) .This emotional fit I just didn’t see sneaking up on me.
The wedding went off without a hitch and we headed to the reception. Bottle in hand, pump in the car just in case, we were set- we even were acting goofy and laughing on the way. G would probably just sleep through the reception after she ate anyway…right? G cried through dinner, so I ate one handed and switched Christopher mid-meal, I gave her her bottle…she was still hungry, I headed to the bathroom…nowhere to nurse. Tried to nurse in the stall…no chair- sat on the toilet, seemed no milk was enough milk. Diaper bag spilled, put baby in pajamas and without a single slow dance we headed home. G screamed the entire 25 minute ride. I could feel the blood beginning to boil. I was exhausted, I wanted just ONE SONG with my husband and she was FUMING mad, and Christopher? Well, he can’t stand to hear her cry. It makes him extremely uneasy. Needless to say, the laughter that once existed on the way to the reception had ceased.
I don’t remember how the argument started, but I know that we had plans to eat ice cream together when we got home and that didn’t happen. I brought up the help I needed around the house, he took it as I felt he did nothing, I was exhausted and I wanted to be babied…I wanted to be told how great I was doing… he was too exhausted to baby me. The content of the argument doesn’t matter…because the (extremely low) jabs we threw at each other aren’t relevant now and weren’t ever relevant. The argument wasn’t about any of those things…it was about adjusting. It was about missing each other. It was about feeling forgotten.
At about 2 a.m. I found myself back against the door begging Chris not to go to the store for a break. I promised I was going to calm down. I looked like a 2 month old who is laid in their crib and left to cry themselves to sleep for 15 minutes (I know, I tried sleep-training today and it was ugly). He walked into the kitchen, filled up a cup of water and sat me on our chair and sat and stared at me, telling me to chug the entire glass of water…he knew if I could focus on something, I could calm down. Once I stopped crying I vented to him for 20 minutes and he didn’t say a word. He finally got up and went upstairs and that is when we finally went to sleep. Nothing really resolved, we knew nothing was going to be resolved that night…but we woke up next to each other with a new day ahead of us.
I tell you this not because I think I want sympathy or encouragement… I tell you because it’s human. It’s marriage. It’s adjustment…under the reigns of exhaustion. The beauty of it is nearly a month later Christopher kissed me goodnight tonight. Our baby is sleeping tonight. “This too shall pass” proved true tonight. Christopher and I are human, but we love each other. Somedays the task-talk takes over the friendly conversation we used to have all the time, sometimes we go entire car rides just sitting in the silence together, and somedays we laugh and flirt with each other- but no matter how each day feels, everyday I wake up I choose to love him. I choose never to leave him. I feel really thankful that love is not only an emotion. What a roller coaster that would be- rather it’s a daily choice of serving happily even when you’re not being served in the way you think you should be…and somedays failing at that and experiencing forgiveness and humility.
Marriage really can prime you for eternity. It really can make you more like Jesus with every effort to rid your self of selfishness and put your spouse first.
I’m so thankful to be on the other side of that breakdown, but I’m also thankful for the stronger marriage we will have because of choosing to adjust and love each other first and foremost.
Lastly, I’m thankful for the friends I have, one friend mentioned that she prays for whoever the chore she is doing around the house benefits. I think this is a great idea. Even more, I found value in doing a chore that particularly benefits my husband while I am angry with him. While I do that chore I pray for him. I pray for our marriage, I pray for his well-being and most of all I pray that I will be given the opportunity to choose to love him for another day.
Until the next time I stay up too late, kiss your sweetie and be the first to apologize tonight. You won’t regret it.
I obviously am not in your same situation at all, but I can somewhat relate with David’s deployment. I try to be really strong and always hold it together and support him which I am very good at, but I broke down the other week and had a bad moment. I got frustrated with him which isn’t fair because he’s not what makes me frustrated. The situation is what makes me frustrated. But I think what matters is that you both don’t let those frustrations stay too long and don’t hold them against your significant other. I didn’t hang up the phone on David when I was getting frustrated. We both stayed and talked long enough till I calmed down, and we were trading stories that made us laugh.
Thanks for sharing this. I think both partners in a relationship will always struggle with things like you have mentioned along with numerous others. There are so many things we as couples have to adjust to (a child, subsequent children, a new house/living situation, a new job, chores, and even a loss of these things). We have also experienced those moments of silence, except for occasional ”task-talk,” I have had sobbing breakdowns, and we have had parenting tiffs. It is so imperitive to continue to choose to love your spouse unconditionally through everything. The vows we make and promise are not to be taken lightly. I still struggle with trying to keep house, work part time and be stay-home-mom. I try to do it all knowing how hard Aaron works for us, but it is very overwhelming. I complain and want more help, then,feel bad….. As you said, marriage is human, so all we can do is pray and try to learn from past experience. I have gotten some flack for saying this, but I truely believe both parties should apologize in a fight…even if you think you have no reason to… it goes a long way. I will be praying for you, Christopher, and your marriage…not that I am worried, you two are solid…I will pray for understanding and appreciation for each others roles (not always easy), knowing you are loved and seen even when it doesn’t feel like it, patience, and being able to overcome all negative attitudes towards each other or your role. Try to have some couple time and have a friend keep Georgia. Take some Ashleigh time, too. You are a great example of a strong Christian woman, wife, and mother. You are great…keep being you and life will be great!