I’m Back! 
I can’t promise my writing will happen often (as this post will explain) but when I have a few “free” moments, I think it will be good for me to get back to getting out the things that kind of weigh me down/are on my mind.
As most of you reading this know, “G” has now been here for 8 weeks. The way in which she’s changed my life in that short time is so profound that I have been having a very hard time both taking it in and adjusting to the emotion behind the change. Perhaps it’s still the hormones or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just that I love her so much and in a whole new way, that I’m just adjusting. Either way- She makes my mind spin.
There’s three main things that I continue to feel anxious or emotional about…and if you don’t mind I’d like to share. Half of the reason- to get them off my chest and the other half- so you know if you feel them too, you’re not alone.
Number 1: Where is God?
You’re going to have to excuse my humanity in this post. I think this is a really abnormal reaction to the birth of your first child. Normally, I think you give birth and experience the miracle that is bringing a new human being into the world and most people wonder how anyone can question if there is a God in a moment like that. I for one did not experience that. I used to be a person who had a great faith…Sure, I questioned often- but at the same time I could cling to scripture telling me not to worry. I didn’t worry- I was very laid back and really, honestly, (almost) always believed things would happen the way they were supposed to happen if I trusted in a divine plan. “G” has already caused me more worry than I know what to do with. I have never experienced more anxiety, more worry, more fear and more questioning. I don’t understand how there can be a God who loves her more than I do. I don’t understand how there can be a God who cares for every child more than I care for “G” yet there are children starving in Somalia. I don’t know how to trust that He has “G” in his hands. I’m having a really hard time turning her over to Him.
Last Sunday at Mass the Priest gave a homily about life without hope. I was talking to Christopher on our way back home about how empty I feel lately and how I am having a hard time living past the present moment or looking forward (Which I’ll talk about later). The reason for this, I believe, is that I am having a hard time believing. Having a hard time believing I’ll be with “G” past this earth. Having a hard time envisioning a place better than this. I never thought that life could be so good that I wouldn’t want Heaven to come. I don’t know how it can be better.
2. The Finality of Every Moment:
Living without hope for an eternity with Christ makes it very hard to enjoy your every moment. Because if there is no Heaven, then every moment really is so final. That is so hard to swallow. Every breath “G” takes, every smile, every “coo” and sneeze, so final. Everytime I rock her I feel like time is passing me by so fast. Christopher mentioned that I need to start thinking about the future. He lives thinking about what we will do financially, always thinking about the next move. I used to be like that- and now I can’t look forward. I spend a lot of time looking back and dwelling on how the moment I’m in will soon be a distant memory. I know you’re thinking this all sounds very depressing- but it’s the truth.
3. She’s mine all mine.
I’m not doing well with sharing my “G”. I want her to have a great relationship with Christopher and seeing them together makes me so happy. I can share her with him. However, anyone else- I really don’t do well sharing with. I think it’s because of this idea that every moment is so final. I don’t like to share her during church- she’s mine to hold and pray about her to a God I’m having a hard time believing in. I want her around me at all times and I don’t like to share her. It’s really that simple. I get nervous in large crowds because I know that family wants to hold her and love her and I know that they will be a great support for her through her life, but I am not at a point where I am ready to share yet. I don’t want her in a crib in the other room. I don’t want her upstairs when I’m downstairs. I don’t want to be away for more than an hour (if that), and I most certainly don’t want to miss the experience of having her fall asleep in my arms…She’s mine. Get your own.
Mind you: There are days when I can give her up for a few minutes…but it’s always hard, even when I want to use both hands for something else.
However, I’ve never been a person who can say no. As we approach large events I experience so much anxiety of people asking to hold her, feed her, or let me “get some sleep.” I figure I’ll sleep when she learns to sleep. Until then, bring on the all nighters if I get to spend more time with her. But, I don’t want to say, “No.” Let me re-phrase, I CAN’T say, “no.” I don’t know how to say, “I want to hold my baby right now, maybe later.” Sometimes I wish I could just give them a placebo of her and I could keep the real her. I cringe at the thought of people telling me not to hold her when I eat or that she won’t be independent if I don’t put her down. Sometimes I think people just don’t feel what I’m feeling.
Sometimes I wonder if it’s all unhealthy. Other days I think I just am experiencing the bonding between a mother and a child- which is so individualized and unable to be compared to even other mother/child relationships.
All- in- all, I think i’m beginning to accept the new person “G” is making me out to be. She is turning me into a confident (sometimes) decision maker, she is teaching me the beauty in sacrifice, and she is refining the way I look at the word, “no” and helping to remind me that every moment is final. I cannot get back the minutes I give away…and while maybe a little obsessive, most days she and Christopher are all I want my moments to be about.
If you have a spare breath, please pray for me as I try to find the motivation within me to seek out God. I feel very far away and know that my relationship with both Chris and “G” will flourish if I draw close to Him first. I want to believe again, I still choose to believe (even when it doesn’t feel right), and I’m really just needing the prayers right now.
Until next time…pardon my emotion. 
Ash
God allowed us free will. Unfortunately that makes for a very imperfect world. I believe that God mournes for those children more than we ever can. I think He mournes the fact that His people are not taking care of each other. I believe He lays it on the hearts of people to help the children and because of the free will He allowed us people ignore the call. Maybe the fact that you’re feeling that way is His way of calling you to help.
I really think your feelings are natural. I battled the same, except that I didn’t have a choice in allowing others to care for mine. I would have given about anything to not have to go back to work and stay with my girls. She’s still a newborn, she’s not at a place to develop independence yet, so don’t let that concern you at all. She’s at a place where she needs security so hold that sweet baby all you want!
A lot of what you are feeling is very normal…I thought I was alone in most of my feelings, but then I met a ton of new moms through a Mom’s Bible study, I realized I definitely wasn’t alone. You might check out the book, “When Mother’s Pray.” It’s a nice read and has a chapter about releasing your child to God…not an easy thought, but a good area to ponder.
As for holding sweet “G,” they’re only little so long, and we held “C,” a ton and yes, he is a bit high maintenance and still loves to be held, but those moments he’ll let us hold him are so much fewer and farther between at 16 months, that you might as well cherish them as long as you can.
I think one of my biggest realizations of the love I have for “C,” is so similar to the way Jesus feels about each and every human being. The bond between “C” and I has helped me to realize the bond that Jesus desires with us, that has been an aha moment for me! You’re a great Mom and prayers lifted from us!
I agree with Meg, on all of it. I believe God allows pain and suffering in the world for a reason – to change people. To open hearts, and to allow us to show compassion.
I’m glad you still believe in Him and are asking for prayers. I’ll pray for you (and for Chris and G too!) and I know you’ll come back around soon. I feel like my relationship with God is a lot like that too. I have days, weeks, even months when I feel so close to Him, and it’s easy to pray. Then I have periods when He seems so far away. I was just hoping I’m not the only one.
My aunt told me something that really helps her feel close to God, and I’ve tried it before but I usually forget. Whenever she wakes up, whether it’s the middle of the night, or in the morning to get ready for her day, she says to herself (and to God), “Oh sacrament most holy, oh sacrament divine. All praise and all thanksgiving be every moment thine.” Praising God can really make you feel close to Him.
And I agree, hold that baby all you want, pretty soon she’ll be four (sniff!) and able to do too many things herself and you’ll long for the days when you could just sit and watch her sleep in your arms. Love you, and I’m praying for you!