9 months ago I was in tears because I wasn’t ready for this. Here I am with a nearly 2-week old, beautiful, baby girl sleeping on her daddy’s chest as he tries to recover from the 36 + hours of work he just put in, in 3 days. My Mom has been here this week helping me out since Christopher went back to work and as of an hour ago, she has gone back home to her babies. My house is clean, my baby is asleep, my husband is here and my T.V. hasn’t been on since I gave birth…and I cry.
We knew this would happen. We talked about how my emotions are bad enough without being in a post-partum state…but when it comes down to it, there’s really nothing you can do but let the tears roll.
“G” is stunning. A 6 lb. super-model and everything (and so incredibly much more) that I have ever hoped for. She’s so delicate, so dependent, and so innocent. My tears start when I think about her growing up…or about her having a baby someday and the weird state my mom must be in. I cry when I think about the man she’ll marry someday and how now I understand why my parents diligently prayed for my future husband. I cry when I think about sending her to kindergarten knowing kids will be mean to her and she has to learn to be a strong person. I cry as I type about all those things and I cry when I think about her growing out of size NB diapers. Size 1′s are just. too. big.
Life just moves too fast.
I’ve had several “new mom” moments in the first couple weeks. One where I thought she was bleeding (it was just a red, stitched heart on her blanket), one where I threw all the covers on our bed off looking for her to save her from suffocating (only to find her sound asleep in her bassinet) and most recently she burped so loud I stared at her for 20 minutes wondering how normal that was and worrying about it.
The point of this blog is that the love I thought I would experience is nothing like the love I now know. It is a love that intrinsically changes (and changes is not a powerful enough word) you so deep that everything in your life takes a back seat to a tiny soul and you wonder how life was ever remotely complete without her. But it’s a love that is so immensely challenging to cope with that somedays I wonder if I’ll make it to 9 p.m. without my face becoming wrinkled and hairs gray from the worry I have in my heart for every single breath she takes. It’s like I want her, but at the same time I want to trust someone else with her because I’m so scared I’m incapable (I vaguely remember typing in the “love you forever” blog… “God does not call the equipped, he equips the called”). Every accomplishment I have ever completed is second to her…and I thank Christopher every night for giving her to me.
My mind is so jumbled and I’m so sleepy that it’s likely this blog has no point to it. It’s likely that it has no flow, rhyme or reason to it…However, I write because I want to look back when she’s a little bigger and remind myself that the blessing of a little girl I spend my days with is God’s way of showing me a fraction of His love for me. The best comment on Facebook that I have received was one from a grade school teacher of mine. She reminded me that even in my frightened times when I think my baby is missing or bleeding God loves her more than I love her (which I can’t possibly fathom) and that she rests in His hands. What a precious picture that is.
So, this Friday night I sit in a very quiet, clean apartment, with a very sleepy husband, a precious baby girl in a soft blanket and trusting that the fear/anxiety/happiness/weepiness/blah, blah, blah, blah , blah is only temporary and that life is as it should be. I would have it no other way.
” Oh…How He loves us so. Oh, How He loves us, How He loves us so.”
-Love, Mom.
Ashleigh, I completely agree with this blog! I also cried at the same thoughts of my daughters future. I still do
Time moves so fast…. Some days your daughter’s future will seem so far off, and some days it seems like it is coming right around the corner. While you will always have concerns and wish for time to slow down or stand still, you will better cope with it in time. Getting more sleep helps a lot 
. You are right, let the tears roll. There is nothing wrong with that. The love a parent feels for their child is so consuming, so overwhelming, so awesome,… Like no other love you have felt before. Being a mother (a parent) is the most wonderful, rewarding, challenging, scary, sometimes frustrating, inspiring, meaningful thing you will ever do. All of your worrying, crying, freaking out, etc. just means you are a wonderful, loving mother and Georgia is lucky to have you! I also know what it’s like to be alone with the baby all day/weekend while husband works, but never forget you have friends closeby who would love to help, family to help, and most of all, you have God! God will watch over you, protect you and Georgia, and guide you on this journey. It helps me to sing the chorus of ”Be not Afraid” to myself or even outloud. Find a song, bible verse or something to make your mantra… it helps! You are doing a great job, Ashleigh, and know it will get better! Embrace sweet little Georgia and enjoy this time with her!