A New Creation…

Yesterday, our baby girl was baptized. I had so many “moments” yesterday, that I just needed to put it down on “paper” so I can look back and have this memory. I was reminded throughout the day how incredibly faithful God is when you seek Him consistently.

I should start 7 years ago (that is no indication that this blog will be long ). When I first met Christopher I will never forget his face when I told him I went to 2 churches…a Catholic church and a Protestant church and that I didn’t see any problems with it. What I didn’t realize was that 3 years after that we would be calling off our relationship and deciding that while we could co-exist as members of different churches individually, there was just no way we could do it when we had children. We sought answers…we prayed…we researched…we argued  fought, we cried…it just wasn’t going to work- not possible.

Christopher finally asked me to trust that God would give us answers when we got to that point. Well, 8 months ago we got to that point! We prayed, we questioned, blah, blah blah. We finally settled on baptizing G as a baby. We finally decided that the gift of grace was exactly that, a gift…and while unable to receive it, the bestowal of that grace was still there. How would G learn to accept it, unless we accepted it for her. Accepted to teach her in all we do, accepted to love her and others the way Jesus loved, accepted to read her the Word, accepted to bring her to Jesus through Osmosis.

So, yesterday was the day. 7 years is a long time to stress about one decision, but one weekend is a longer time to stress over if everyone is pleased with your decision. To say it was a peaceful feeling from last Monday- Saturday night, as we prepared, would be a lie. I was on edge, I could tell Christopher still had some reservations, but it was like a multiple choice test and choosing the “most correct” answer- and we felt “most” comfortable with this idea…but I still wouldn’t say in total agreement.

Sunday morning arrived. After staying up until 2 getting the cake just right, preparing brunch and helping my mom and dad clean up their house for our celebration, I fell asleep for a short 2 hours before my sister called from Jacksonville crying. I never invited her and she was going to miss it. I was so upset. How did I forget? Fast forward one more hour of sleep and we were up getting dressed and ready for an 8 a.m. baptism. I was feeling especially tense towards Christopher as he told me I had 20 seconds to brush my teeth and get my shoes on and we needed to leave.

He took G out to the car (she was looking STUNNING in her all white) and I followed a couple several minutes behind. When I walked out of the house I could hear the bass in the car. I thought it was weird because Christopher hates when I turn up the music too loud. I got in and he smiled at me and grabbed my hand, “How He Loves” by John Mark McMillan happened to be playing on the Christian station at that exact moment that we headed off to the Baptism. We consider it our “family” song. He looked at me and said, “I heard it and I said, Thank you, Jesus.” He’s so faithful. The peace just overpowered us. It was a feeling I don’t think I will ever forget. I felt so good about bringing my baby back to her maker.

I would stop there, but things just kept happening- the sermon was suited perfectly, the words during her anointing were so poignant about how a small child lives the Christian life without any effort because of the grace Christ gave through His crucifixion. And the weekend ended with so much time with our families who joyously shared in the occasion. We were one. No longer divided…we made it. It worked. God intervened. How did He do that? How did He make something so broken work?

I kissed my baby last night and breathed in one more smell of the perfumed oil she was anointed with and thanked God for walking every step with me for 7 years. I thanked Him for the GIFT of grace and I thanked Him for the understanding, perseverance and open-mindedness of my husband. He truly is good, He truly does not forsake, and He truly gives freely.

Thankful for this and constantly praying that she sees Christ through the way we live our lives and for the days when she decides over and over again to accept Him on her own.

January 29, 2012

Why we all need to take a deep breath…”Religion” and Jesus

I mean do I really need to post the video? God knows you’ve already seen it. But…in case you haven’t….

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

…there it is.

Now, there are plenty of valid rebuttles out there, none of which am I linking right now. I will not link them because I’m about to rebuttle with a different message. I’m about to rebuttle with an entire blog about why “Religion” and Jesus lovers are one in the same… and how if we could just stop gawking at ourselves in the mirror thinking we’ve got it all figured out, we could learn something from one another. So here we go.

I will start with what’s truly wrong with the video if you are listening to him word.for.word… Numero uno: No, Jesus did not come to abolish religion. This point has been made in so many blogs, that I probably don’t need to reference Jesus saying, ” I did not come to abolish the law….” but, I will (Matthew 5:17). Next, Webster’s dictionary defines “Religion” as, “The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, esp. a personal God or gods.” So…if you want to argue that you hate religion…well, you hate what you do, yourself. You are claiming to hate the very practice of believing and worshipping Jesus Christ. Finally, as a Catholic, I feel a little insulted because I’ve been put under a blanket. You’ve accused me of empty traditions, hating divorced people, masking my sinful life with pretend rule following…You’ve defined the word, “religion” yourself…and then you used it to define me.

woah.woah.woah. Can we all hold on for a second? This video wasn’t directed at Catholics? We may have taken that out of context? Did anyone take the time to read his “commentary” on what this video is about?

“A poem I wrote to highlight the difference between Jesus and false religion. In the scriptures Jesus received the most opposition from the most religious people of his day. At it’s core Jesus’ gospel and the good news of the Cross is in pure opposition to self-righteousness/self-justification. Religion is man centered, Jesus is God-centered. This poem highlights my journey to discover this truth. Religion either ends in pride or despair. Pride because you make a list and can do it and act better than everyone, or despair because you can’t do your own list of rules and feel “not good enough” for God. With Jesus though you have humble confident joy because He represents you, you don’t represent yourself and His sacrifice is perfect putting us in perfect standing with God!”

Key words: FALSE religion and PRIDE. 

Here’s the deal: As a Catholic, I saw the title of this video and I put my fists up. I was ready to defend myself. After listening to it, though, I felt a little uneasy about a few things he claimed, but for the most part- he has an awesome testimony and he’s been saved from a pit of sin. Marrying a Protestant has “opened my heart” (for all you who are reading this with an open mind) or “corrupted me” (for all you who came to this site on a high horse hoping that I was about to bash protestants and how wrong they are in everything they do). The reason for that is this: Fellow Catholics: We have got to stop hearing the surface level and not digging at the heart of things. Sometimes we read SO deep into a single word, or a single thought. We overanalyze like it’s nobody’s biz-nass! Protestants: You have to stop stopping at the surface level of tradition and “rules” and looking into the heart of them.  We both only end up hurting ourselves. Because of our dumb division and our ARROGANT pride (the pride that Jesus himself would be disgusted with) we have totally missed the fact that this guy at one point in time was sleeping around, excessively binge drinking, addicted to pornography and is now sharing about Jesus Christ, the savior of the world because he’s found the light. Where is our REJOICING in a soul won for Christ? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? We’re going to rebuttle with rules and snide comments about how we would let Jesus in our church and then show a picture of the Eucharist? We’re going to take the Eucharist to THAT level? AHHHH! It’s DISGUSTING!

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking that Catholics (or any of the “religious” he is speaking of) sit back and don’t state their opinion, don’t stick up for what is true. Instead, what I am begging is that we question rather than accuse. I wish we would rejoice in our similarities rather than condemn with our noses in the air acting as if we have something to prove, some contest to win. No one could ever be more wrong. 

Here’s the other deal: This guy doesn’t hate religion. What he hates is FALSE religion. What is NOT false religion? Well, in James it’s made pretttttty clear. “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:27) So he hates when people go to church every Sunday but never dig into the word, he hates when people claim their love for Jesus but never put that faith into action, he hates religion that builds large churches and forgets the poor. Can I say something? Jesus would hate those things too. Unfortunately, this guy just chose the wrong word for his rhyme-diggity. He hates the hypocrisy that turns non-believers against Jesus and I hate it too. He hates the pride that people hold when they are GOOD and they believe it makes them better with God, but they spend no time with God in prayer, letting Him rule their lives. He hates when the noise of details overpowers the power and voice of God. AND I. HATE. IT .Too.

Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t be standing here saying I am Catholic if I didn’t think through my research that for the most part, i found truth there. What I’m saying is that we need to respect his journey. We need to respect what God is doing in his life and TRUST that outside of Catholicism, GOD IS WORKING. Without that being said, it’s a situation of downright respect for a person’s art. What he’s sharing came from his heart and people bashed it like he hadn’t ever had a tearless night writing or thinking about it. All that is, is petty 5th grade stuff.

Yes, we have our differences. But why do we always focus on those? One of my favorite analogies is one my husband said to me tonight. He said, ” The Catholic church to me shows love in one way. They play the role of the disciplinarian, tough love parent. Sometimes guilt follows into that and the rules are known and to be followed. The modern Protestant church seems to show love in a way that comfort, undying love and acceptance are shown overwhelmingly. Both are beneficial, but one without the other is incomplete. He continued with, “You will never find me on one side or another. If you want me to say I’m 100% Catholic, I cannot say it. If you want me to say I’m 100% Protestant, I cannot say it. What I can say is that I am confident that I have taken the word of God and hidden it in my heart, regardless of what the title of the church it came from was. I remember him in the ritual that is Communion, though I never was taught about transubstantiation, I obeyed His command when He called for Baptism, and I try to live my life according to HIS rules and believe that it is when I don’t make a conscious effort to follow those rules that my faith is dead.”

Lastly, it brought up the discussion of, “but as a Catholic, I believe that Jesus started this Church. I believe that He passed it down from Peter…how do I not be PROUD in that?” Chris said (he always surprises me with his depth) “Sometimes it’s the wrong kind of pride.” Are we boasting in Christ or are we boasting because we know we have it all figured out and the Protestants are wrong? After all they are the ones who LEFT the church! ( if we would look at the heart of Martin Luther maybe we wouldn’t be so hateful about that either).

Overall theme: I ranted. But here’s the point: I rant because I’m sad. I’m sad that the division is here in a way that Jesus would hate. I’m sad that we took a video about false religions and turned it into a point of argumentation between Catholics and Protestants. I’m sad that no matter how great of a testimony this guy has, it is now overshadowed by fighting and rebuttles. It’s was never even about RELIGION. It’s about the love behind the action. If I go up to receive the Eucharist on Sunday without a memory of what Jesus did on the cross, but out of obligation, I am no more following Jesus than the one who skipped Mass that week. If I baptize my child to appease my family, and then never implement Christian living in my home, I’ve done it in vain. It is the hypocrites who inspire hatred toward “religion.”

 

All I’m asking is that you take 5 minutes away from your criticisms today and take a deep breath to thank God for reaching down to this guy and saying, “I want this man.”

 

Now Breathe. Please be kind in your comments, I will delete anything that I feel is disrespectful.

Confidence…well I mean, if you want me to have any, that is.

It’s so funny. For weeks now I’ve been thinking about different things and I say to myself, “OH! I want to blog about that.” I never do, though. Tonight is a weird feeling night though. It’s 8:30 but G thinks it’s 9:30 (Daylight Savings) so she’s asleep. Christopher just left to go watch the Bears play with a friend and the T.V. isn’t even on. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve had a night like this for a very long time, at least 5 months. I keep saying I need some time to myself, but as I laid my baby girl down to sleep tonight I had a vicious war going on in my head on if I should lay her down and face this “alone time” or bring her back down to snuggle with me on the couch. My baby girl is getting bigger though and she just doesn’t sleep well on the couch with me anymore. As sad as I was (am) and as much as I hate to admit it (Hate. Hate. Hate), she’s not a teencey tince anymore…she’s a BABY. She’s getting teeth, she’s giggling, she cries when I leave and I’m so addicted to her it’s not even funny. So tonight, I “face” the alone time (and secretly hope she fusses so I can rock her back to sleep, but also hope she stays asleep cause I’m exhausted).

Somewhere amidst the last 5 months, my high-need, nurse every 2 hours day and night, “hold me constantly”, baby has stolen my identity. I’m not real sure I remember what I liked to do before G got here. I’m really okay with this, but now I understand empty nest syndrome…and my child’s only 5 months old. She touches me 24-7 though- so I feel rather nakey without her!

Anyways- On with my blog…about Confidence.

I’ve lacked confidence for most of my teen/adult life. I’m not sure why…though I know my mom was sometimes a little worried about how people perceived her and often asked after getting ready, ” Does this outfit make me look like I think I’m something?” She never wanted people to think she thought too highly of herself. But I was talking with a girlfriend the other day and I made the comment, ” With my next baby, I’m going to be more confident in the decisions I make.” See, I know for a fact I have cared very much about how people see me parent my child. But I’ve always been like this and I always say, “next time…”

When I was in college, I can remember telling myself that after I got out of college and lost some weight I was going to love myself more. After college I remember telling myself that once I got engaged I would have a wedding to get ready for so surely (though I had now lost 10 lbs. since college) I would lose some (more) weight and love myself more. Then I got married and went to Mexico. I looked good, I felt good, but I was constantly wanting to lose those 3 more lbs. Then the day came when I knew I wasn’t losing anymore weight…I was pregnant (Insert Horror Movie track). As my belly (and the rest of me) grew I continued to look back and see how “skinny I was” and thought about how when I got that body back, I was going to love myself more. Here I am post-baby and at a weight that most days I feel okay with but I still have very little (Christopher would say, zero) confidence.

It’s exhausting to be your biggest critic- I feel I’m never adequate as a mom (I know I’m a good mom, though), as a wife (I try SO hard), as a daughter/daughter-in-law, and as a Christian. I want so badly to feel a sense of WOW from the people closest to me and I have no idea why I do it. When I let them down, I lose it. Just recently Christopher and I went to the mall for some shopping. I could sense his frustration the second we stepped into the mall (which believe it or not is weird, because he enjoys shopping) and I asked him what was wrong. He said, ” I just am not in the mood for your shopping trips. You know what you NEED and you find it and then you don’t buy it.”  He then continued on with, “You pick out these baggy clothes and these ‘mom’ shirts and assume that’s what you should be wearing, you have no confidence.”

I’m tired of having no confidence.I’m tired of assuming that people expect more from me. I’m tired of not taking the plunge on something because someone else thinks differently than me. I’m tired of worrying if my baby should be sleeping through the night by now (even though she’s a BABY and it’s a cultural desire for us to MAKE them sleep when they naturally don’t), if co-sleeping is ruining my marriage (even though it works for us and Chris insists he’s totally cool with it) and if everyone is getting time to enjoy G (when we end up being so busy, we don’t even get a weekend alone at our own home to enjoy her). So today, here are 10 things I know for sure that I want for my life right now and I’m (for my own sanity) going to list them and be 100% CONFIDENT and okay with all of them…

1. G eats every 2 hours. It’s not ideal, but it’s comforting to her and I’m willing to adjust my schedule around that to accommodate her, rather than listen to her scream in between feedings.

2. I’m 146 lbs. and my boobs are way bigger than I ever wanted them to be and sometimes If I stand at the right angle, I still look pregnant… There’s nothing I can do about it now except for eat healthy and exercise when I can (which isn’t everyday), so I’m not going to pretend that I can do anymore than that.

3. G sleeps with us every night (EVERY.) Our marriage is not suffering and we’re still super duper in love and happy.

4. I do the necessities of housework every day in our apartment, and a lot of times I hold G through her naps because she sleeps longer…and sometimes I nap too.

5. I don’t work outside the home and I will have a blank spot on my resume’ if I ever go back to work…and I’m okay with that. But, I’m dying to teach and I’m frustrating with getting turned down for lack of experience.

6.  We don’t plan to buy a house in the near future and we find value in renting at this time in our lives.

7. Music is my only escape and if I have the chance to play somewhere and I make a comment about it being an added stressor…I secretly am dying to do it, for myself.

8. I miss my family in Quincy  and the support that they provide more than anything in the world and if it worked for Christopher and I right now, I would move back in a heartbeat.

9. I put a LOT of pictures of my child on Facebook and I brag about her so much…but it’s because I am SUPER CONFIDENT that she’s darling and I get excited for other people to enjoy her cuteness.

10. Lastly, I’m Catholic and I’ve done the research (and continue to do the research). I think it is truth and yes, I submit to “rules” that I don’t always understand right away; I trust that a theologian who has been studying the Bible in multiple languages for years is smarter than I am in interpreting it…I pray for understanding of that rule, I make my frustrations known to God about that rule, and then I research to get a better understanding of why it is expected in my walk with Christ.

WOOOO. That feels good. I just want to be loved for me. I want to be the person who says, “I don’t care what other people say.”

I know I’ll never be that person completely, but I’m looking forward to working towards becoming a more confident and beautiful (whatever size) version of me.

What do you do to make yourself feel more okay with you? Does confidence come with age? Do you try to please others first???

I promise I’m coming back to blogging…I’m gonna start demanding some time for myself to think again.

“Would He Go That Far?”

If you’ve been reading then you are aware of my recent and ongoing struggle to continue being a faith-filled Christian. Reflecting on past blogs, and hindsight being 20/20 I am aware that a lot of post-pregnancy hormones still played into recent posts. I’ve said it once and I will say it again, “Thank goodness faith is not about emotions.”

I have been wanting to share with you what happened shortly after I wrote the blog about wondering where God was and how I didn’t know if I even wanted Heaven anymore. I knew I needed to spend some alone time with God- and I knew just the place. The following evening after I wrote the blog, one of my favorite parishes (shhh…it’s really my ONLY favorite) Incarnate Word, hosts an evening once a month called “Encounter.” The night involves praise and worship music, a small reflection given by different people, Eucharistic Adoration, and a lot of teens filled with faith (which has always been inspiring to me). If you go back and read the post about “The finality of every moment” you will remember me talking about the way the famine in Somalia had struck me and I wondered how God could stand to see His children who he loved (even more than I love G) starving and in so much pain. It just so happened to be that the theme of “Encounter” that night was about the youth group’s trip to Nicaragua from which they had just returned. Unfortunately, as God would have it, I missed the entire reflection due to 1) having to leave with my daughter who decided to have a melt-down and 2)my naiveness in not realizing all bottle nipple sizes are NOT the same and an infant cannot functionally get milk from one that reads “Rapido.” I was so upset as I realized I was missing everything I came for until I made it back in, experienced adoration and of course, let the lyrics of the music really settle inside me as I opened my hands to God, unsure that He was even real…I sang…

“”I’ll lean not on my own understanding,
my life is in the hands of the Maker of Heaven…
I’ll give it all to you God, trusting that You’ll make something Beautiful out of me.

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open…” – United Pursuit Band

At the end of adoration, Dan  (the youth minister) thanked everyone for coming and made one final note (and yes, I knew God was speaking specifically to the unbeliever in me). He said, ” When we were in Nicaragua one of the students asked, ‘ These people have nothing. HOW can they possibly have faith in God?’ and a woman from Nicaragua who overheard them responded by saying, ‘Because He’s all we have.” …Woah.

I haven’t shared this story simply due to not having 5 minutes- but as I was laying in bed about 10 minutes ago, I realized I needed to respond…because I know that right now there are many questioning God. This brings me to my next (and last) section of this blog and really what this blog is about.

The starting lyrics of “How He Loves” have always been close to my heart and I realized something tonight.

Last weekend in Quincy a boating accident happened on the Mississippi and my best friend’s cousin, who was involved in the accident, is still missing 3 days later. As this story has unfolded a facebook page has gathered together for him and a candlelight vigil was held tonight in prayer that God would safely return him home. 3,752 people have joined the facebook page entitled, “Prayers for John Flaiz.” Today I lit my candle and prayed (as I have been non-stop for 3 days) from St. Louis… Today I also listened to a high school friend of mine talk about the “Glory of God” on a christian television show reflecting on the loss of her twin boys before they were even due. Last year around this time 522 members (at the very least) were praying for the success of my friend’s pregnancy. A friend of mine posted yesterday on facebook that her friends little boy who was 3 had died after a fight with a lifelong illness…I prayed.  Last year around this time another high school friend of mine endured significant and life-altering brain surgery…3,546 people joined “Pray for Jess” and they prayed.  This week there has been so many stories of life-altering events on facebook that my friends have posted. It really has me thinking though….Would God go that far?

The last thing I read tonight on facebook and what drove me to get up and type this is a post that my friend, Darren wrote tonight. He said, “leaves you with these words of Saint Augustine: “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our hearts are restless until they rest in you.” Good night, everybody.”

And so without anymore explanation of where I’m going with this I leave you with a final thought…

Would God go so far; Would he be SO jealous for us, that he would use the deepest tragedies, the greatest heartaches, the most amazing miracles and the biggest life questions only to make us stop and utter a single heart-felt, “God? I need to talk.”

Praying for John, praying for a miracle, feeling the restlessness slow down, and finding God in suffering.

Goodnight.

…What The Really meant…

As I was getting ready to be married I came across many songs that made me believe I knew what it was going to be like to be married to Christopher In the last year and a half our love has grown and matured so much and I feel so lucky to have him and every fight, every heartbreak, every giggle, every belly laugh…He’s my forever. He’s my promise. He’s my God-given sanity and I now am beginning (and I say beginning becuase I know it’s not nearly over) to experience the grace that comes from the sacrament of marriage.

I have posted some of my favorites that have taken on deeper meaning and truth for me. I hope you enjoy them…and my captions. Kiss your husband tonight (or your wife) even if you don’t feel like it and tell them you’re still in love.

Elenowen- Honey Come Home

**For the record all of Elenowen’s songs would be on this list if I could. I mean, I can…but that’s kind of one-dimensional. Seriously, go love them.

Sometimes we need a glass of wine to forget the fight or even start the conversation. Sometimes we just need to be asked to come back home.

Warren Barfield- Love is Not a Fight

This song has been a favorite of mine for a long time. I can remember watching “Fireproof” which has awful acting but a wonderful message. I watched it with Chris on a twin size bed before we were even engaged and he fell asleep. I cried through this song as they rolled the credits thinking about how awesome it would be to marry him. My favorite line has always been “And if we try to leave, may God send angels to guard the door.” I never thought I’d have moments where I wanted to leave….HAHA- I now know those moments are very real but the love I have learned is one that the lyrics “we’ll work it out together, let it bring us to our knees” have become a necessity.  Love truly is worth fighting for.

Elenowen- Cripple Me (BECAUSE IT’S MY BLOG AND I CAN!!!)

Sometimes it’s hard to say I’m sorry. Sometimes I need Chris to understand that…but I also want him to hold on tight to me when I want to run away and shut down…This song is the bomb. That’s all. “I’m walking on a wire, but you’re holding it steady. You’re taking me higher, but I’m getting heavy.”

Dancing in the Minefields- Andrew Peterson

This song just reminds me of growing old with someone and the joy the sacrifices bring

How He Loves- John Mark McMillan

And lastly, the song I walked down the aisle to and the song that I continue to turn to as our life changes….Because the one thing that remains evident in all of it is the title of this song. Sometimes the struggles and the joys are all the greatest signs and I really had no idea that His love would continue to be revealed to me in such powerful ways. As I look at Georgia and my little family I am consistently reminded of the phrase, “He is jealous for me.” Sometimes I want Georgia all for myself and I don’t want to share her with anyone because I know no one can love her the way I can. WOW! That’s how he loves me. Money, cars, clothes, friends, even Christopher can not love me the way God can. So, walking down the aisle wasn’t the end to this song, it took on way more meaning than I thought it ever could.  As I write this I just started playing the song and Christopher chimed in from behind me (not knowing the subject of this blog) saying, “I love this song.” He never sings…and I can hear him singing. It’s music to my little ears. See….God is cool.

Hope you enjoyed this little blog, music is so freekin’ cool Have a good day!

-Ash

The Marriage Adjustment…

Thankful for this moment that continues to strengthen our love. (CLICK on image to enlarge)

 

It’s been 10 weeks since “G” arrived and life is good. As mentioned in previous posts, I never thought I could love this BIG- and everyday it really (honestly) does keep getting better. Those smiles early morning get me everytime… I’m smitten. She makes me want to be good.

If you read this blog “often” you know I tend to be a worrier. Worry here, worry there..etc. But tonight Christopher and G are both upstairs soundly sleeping, the dishwasher has been unloaded and reloaded, pants ironed, laundry started and one load folded, and the house picked up…I’ve run through enough thoughts in my head in the last hour of chores to last a lifetime. However, I’m extremely thankful for one thought…and it’s more of a realization and a constant than it is a thought; That Christopher isn’t going anywhere.

I’m so grateful to have a husband who has given me the opportunity to raise our little girl while staying at home. I know he doesn’t always see the value in that decision at the level that I do, but that’s okay. He works so hard for me… for us. Therefore, I know I have responsibilities as a stay-at-home momma that I recognize and try very hard not to be bitter about. With all that being said- I think all new moms…all moms will attest to the adjustment that goes on in a marriage when a little one arrives and turns a relationship upside-down.

So tonight, I reveal my ultimate break-down that happened about 6 or 7 weeks after G got here

“Having a baby changes everything.” We heard it a million times, but I promise you…I will never repeat that statement to anyone who is pregnant. After having G, I realize the statement is true, but hearing the statement while pregnant only frustrated me…and it definitely never provided me any insight or preparation into what life would be like after having a baby. The first 6 weeks of having G were filled with diaper changes, sleepless nights, visitors, stress, tears, happiness, frustration, laughter and tears (lots of tears.). I’m an emotional person anyways, but this was ridiculous! No matter what though, I wanted our life no other way. We were now a family of 3. No turning back. As Christopher went back to work a week after G was born, my mom went back home, and the daily grind settled in I realized something; Christopher and I hadn’t had a conversation since the day she was born. We “ooooh-ed” and “Ahhh-d” in amazement at her together, we helped each other out and had “task-talk” about who was doing what, and we ate dinner in front of the T.V. just like we used to do…and never said a word to each other. We weren’t mad at each other, we just had nothing to say to each other…or we were too beat to talk. My day involved poopy diapers, naptimes, laundry and nursing and his involved a world of renting cars and irritated customers he wanted to forget about the second he walked in the door. So…we had nothing to discuss.

However, somewhere inside of me things were building up. My body was hurting and flabby but I still had so much to do each day, I felt unattractive and couldn’t figure out where in my day to fit a shower in, my teeth rarely got brushed before noon, and the laundry never ended. I had to sing in a wedding in July and I was SO excited to spend an evening with my new little family. Little did I know that 6 hours later I would literally be on my living room floor in the fetal position sobbing and begging Christopher to give me one more chance to explain my frustrations without yelling or cursing at him (yes, yelling. and Yes, cursing. And yes, it came from my mouth.) .This emotional fit I just didn’t see sneaking up on me.

The wedding went off without a hitch and we headed to the reception. Bottle in hand, pump in the car just in case, we were set- we even were acting goofy and laughing on the way. G would probably just sleep through the reception after she ate anyway…right? G cried through dinner, so I ate one handed and switched Christopher mid-meal, I gave her her bottle…she was still hungry, I headed to the bathroom…nowhere to nurse. Tried to nurse in the stall…no chair- sat on the toilet, seemed no milk was enough milk. Diaper bag spilled, put baby in pajamas and without a single slow dance we headed home. G screamed the entire 25 minute ride. I could feel the blood beginning to boil. I was exhausted, I wanted just ONE SONG with my husband and she was FUMING mad, and Christopher? Well, he can’t stand to hear her cry. It makes him extremely uneasy. Needless to say, the laughter that once existed on the way to the reception had ceased.

I don’t remember how the argument started, but I know that we had plans to eat ice cream together when we got home and that didn’t happen. I brought up the help I needed around the house, he took it as I felt he did nothing, I was exhausted and I wanted to be babied…I wanted to be told how great I was doing… he was too exhausted to baby me. The content of the argument doesn’t matter…because the (extremely low) jabs we threw at each other aren’t relevant now and  weren’t ever relevant. The argument wasn’t about any of those things…it was about adjusting. It was about missing each other. It was about feeling forgotten.

At about 2 a.m. I found myself back against the door begging Chris not to go to the store for a break. I promised I was going to calm down. I looked like a 2 month old who is laid in their crib and left to cry themselves to sleep for 15 minutes (I know, I tried sleep-training today and it was ugly). He walked into the kitchen, filled up a cup of water and sat me on our chair and sat and stared at me, telling me to chug the entire glass of water…he knew if I could focus on something, I could calm down. Once I stopped crying I vented to him for 20 minutes and he didn’t say a word. He finally got up and went upstairs and that is when we finally went to sleep. Nothing really resolved, we knew nothing was going to be resolved that night…but we woke up next to each other with a new day ahead of us.

I tell you this not because I think I want sympathy or encouragement… I tell you because it’s human. It’s marriage. It’s adjustment…under the reigns of exhaustion. The beauty of it is nearly a month later Christopher kissed me goodnight tonight. Our baby is sleeping tonight. “This too shall pass” proved true tonight. Christopher and I are human, but we love each other. Somedays the task-talk takes over the friendly conversation we used to have all the time, sometimes we go entire car rides just sitting in the silence together, and somedays we laugh and flirt with each other- but no matter how each day feels, everyday I wake up I choose to love him. I choose never to leave him. I feel really thankful that love is not only an emotion. What a roller coaster that would be- rather it’s a daily choice of serving happily even when you’re not being served in the way you think you should be…and somedays failing at that and experiencing forgiveness and humility.

Marriage really can prime you for eternity. It really can make you more like Jesus with every effort to rid your self of selfishness and put your spouse first.

I’m so thankful to be on the other side of that breakdown, but I’m also thankful for the stronger marriage we will have because of choosing to adjust and love each other first and foremost.

Lastly, I’m thankful for the friends I have, one friend mentioned that she prays for whoever the chore she is doing around the house benefits. I think this is a great idea. Even more, I found value in doing a chore that particularly benefits my husband while I am angry with him. While I do that chore I pray for him. I pray for our marriage, I pray for his well-being and most of all I pray that I will be given the opportunity to choose to love him for another day.

Until the next time I stay up too late, kiss your sweetie and be the first to apologize tonight. You won’t regret it.

The Finality of Every Moment

I’m Back! I can’t promise my writing will happen often (as this post will explain) but when I have a few “free” moments, I think it will be good for me to get back to getting out the things that kind of weigh me down/are on my mind.

As most of you reading this know, “G” has now been here for 8 weeks. The way in which she’s changed my life in that short time is so profound that I have been having a very hard time both taking it in and adjusting to the emotion behind the change. Perhaps it’s still the hormones or maybe it’s not. Maybe it’s just that I love her so much and in a whole new way, that I’m just adjusting. Either way- She makes my mind spin.

There’s three main things that I continue to feel anxious or emotional about…and if you don’t mind I’d like to share. Half of the reason- to get them off my chest and the other half- so you know if you feel them too, you’re not alone.

Number 1: Where is God?

You’re going to have to excuse my humanity in this post. I think this is a really abnormal reaction to the birth of your first child. Normally, I think you give birth and experience the miracle that is bringing a new human being into the world and most people wonder how anyone can question if there is a God in a moment like that. I for one did not experience that. I used to be a person who had a great faith…Sure, I questioned often- but at the same time I could cling to scripture telling me not to worry. I didn’t worry- I was very laid back and really, honestly, (almost) always believed things would happen the way they were supposed to happen if I trusted in a divine plan. “G” has already caused me more worry than I know what to do with. I have never experienced more anxiety, more worry, more fear and more questioning. I don’t understand how there can be a God who loves her more than I do. I don’t understand how there can be a God who cares for every child more than I care for “G” yet there are children starving in Somalia. I don’t know how to trust that He has “G” in his hands. I’m having a really hard time turning her over to Him.

Last Sunday at Mass the Priest gave a homily about life without hope. I was talking to Christopher on our way back home about how empty I feel lately and how I am having a hard time living past the present moment or looking forward (Which I’ll talk about later). The reason for this, I believe, is that I am having a hard time believing. Having a hard time believing I’ll be with “G” past this earth. Having a hard time envisioning a place better than this. I never thought that life could be so good that I wouldn’t want Heaven to come. I don’t know how it can be better.

2. The Finality of Every Moment:

Living without hope for an eternity with Christ makes it very hard to enjoy your every moment. Because if there is no Heaven, then every moment really is so final. That is so hard to swallow. Every breath “G” takes, every smile, every “coo” and sneeze, so final. Everytime I rock her I feel like time is passing me by so fast. Christopher mentioned that I need to start thinking about the future. He lives thinking about what we will do financially, always thinking about the next move. I used to be like that- and now I can’t look forward. I spend a lot of time looking back and dwelling on how the moment I’m in will soon be a distant memory. I know you’re thinking this all sounds very depressing- but it’s the truth.

3. She’s mine all mine.

I’m not doing well with sharing my “G”. I want her to have a great relationship with Christopher and seeing them together makes me so happy. I can share her with him. However, anyone else- I really don’t do well sharing with. I think it’s because of this idea that every moment is so final. I don’t like to share her during church- she’s mine to hold and pray  about her to a God I’m having a hard time believing in. I want her around me at all times and I don’t like to share her. It’s really that simple. I get nervous in large crowds because I know that family wants to hold her and love her and I know that they will be a great support for her through her life, but I am not at a  point where I am ready to share yet. I don’t want her in a crib in the other room. I don’t want her upstairs when I’m downstairs. I don’t want to be away for more than an hour (if that), and I most certainly don’t want to miss the experience of having her fall asleep in my arms…She’s mine. Get your own.

Mind you: There are days when I can give her up for a few minutes…but it’s always hard, even when I want to use both hands for something else.

However, I’ve never been a person who can say no. As we approach large events I experience so much anxiety of people asking to hold her, feed her, or let me “get some sleep.” I figure I’ll sleep when she learns to sleep. Until then, bring on the all nighters if I get to spend more time with her. But, I don’t want to say, “No.” Let me re-phrase, I CAN’T say, “no.” I don’t know how to say, “I want to hold my baby right now, maybe later.” Sometimes I wish I could just give them a placebo of her and I could keep the real her.  I cringe at the thought of people telling me not to hold her when I eat or that she won’t be independent if I don’t put her down. Sometimes I think people just don’t feel what I’m feeling.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s all unhealthy. Other days I think I just am experiencing the bonding between a mother and a child- which is so individualized and unable to be compared to even other mother/child relationships.

All- in- all, I think i’m beginning to accept the new person “G” is making me out to be. She is turning me into a confident (sometimes) decision maker, she is teaching me the beauty in sacrifice, and she is refining the way I look at the word, “no” and helping to remind me that every moment is final. I cannot get back the minutes I give away…and while maybe a little obsessive, most days she and Christopher are all I want my moments to be about.

If you have a spare breath, please pray for me as I try to find the motivation within me to seek out God. I feel very far away and know that my relationship with both Chris and “G” will flourish if I draw close to Him first. I want to believe again, I still choose to believe (even when it doesn’t feel right), and I’m really just needing the prayers right now.

Until next time…pardon my emotion.

Ash

What “Mom” means…

9 months ago I was in tears because I wasn’t ready for this. Here I am with a nearly 2-week old, beautiful, baby girl sleeping on her daddy’s chest as he tries to recover from the 36  + hours of work he just put in, in 3 days. My Mom has been here this week helping me out since Christopher went back to work and as of an hour ago, she has gone back home to her babies. My house is clean, my baby is asleep, my husband is here and my T.V. hasn’t been on since I gave birth…and I cry.

We knew this would happen. We talked about how my emotions are bad enough without being in a post-partum state…but when it comes down to it, there’s really nothing you can do but let the tears roll.

“G” is stunning. A 6 lb. super-model and everything (and so incredibly much more) that I have ever hoped for. She’s so delicate, so dependent, and so innocent. My tears start when I think about her growing up…or about her having a baby someday and the weird state my mom must be in. I cry when I think about the man she’ll marry someday and how now I understand why my parents diligently prayed for my future husband. I cry when I think about sending her to kindergarten knowing kids will be mean to her and she has to learn to be a strong person. I cry as I type about all those things and I cry when I think about her growing out of size NB diapers. Size 1′s are just. too. big.

Life just moves too fast.

I’ve had several “new mom” moments in the first couple weeks. One where I thought she was bleeding (it was just a red, stitched heart on her blanket), one where I threw all the covers on our bed off looking for her to save her from suffocating (only to find her sound asleep in her bassinet) and most recently she burped so loud I stared at her for 20 minutes wondering how normal that was and worrying about it.

The point of this blog is that the love I thought I would experience is nothing like the love I now know. It is a love that intrinsically changes (and changes is not a powerful enough word) you so deep that everything in your life takes a back seat to a tiny soul and you wonder how life was ever remotely complete without her. But it’s a love that is so immensely challenging to cope with that somedays I wonder if I’ll make it to 9 p.m. without my face becoming wrinkled and hairs gray from the worry I have in my heart for every single breath she takes. It’s like I want her, but at the same time I want to trust someone else with her because I’m so scared I’m incapable (I vaguely remember typing in the “love you forever” blog… “God does not call the equipped, he equips the called”). Every accomplishment I have ever completed is second to her…and I thank Christopher every night for giving her to me.

My mind is so jumbled and I’m so sleepy that it’s likely this blog has no point to it. It’s likely that it has no flow, rhyme or reason to it…However, I write because I want to look back when she’s a little bigger and remind myself that the blessing of a little girl I spend my days with is God’s way of showing me a fraction of His love for me. The best comment on Facebook that I have received was one from a grade school teacher of mine. She reminded me that even in my frightened times when I think my baby is missing or bleeding God loves her more than I love her (which I can’t possibly fathom) and that she rests in His hands. What a precious picture that is.

So, this Friday night I sit in a very quiet, clean apartment, with a very sleepy husband, a precious baby girl in a soft blanket and trusting that the fear/anxiety/happiness/weepiness/blah, blah, blah, blah , blah is only temporary and that life is as it should be. I would have it no other way.

” Oh…How He loves us so. Oh, How He loves us, How He loves us so.”

-Love, Mom.

…and then you die.

I love when it’s dark and stormy on Good Friday. It sets the mood. We’re about to get hit with a huge storm…and it just feels right.

Read this on Twitter today and got that antsy feeling in my chest:

“Betrayed by Judas, denied by Peter, abandoned by the eleven, forsaken by God. Darkness, you get one hour. And then you die.” – John Piper

Welcome to Good Friday. Bask in the hugeness of what Jesus did for YOU. Take 3 o’clock and imagine being there on that day.

and then get pumped cause 3 days in a tomb is all Evil gets. How awesome to have a God who would rather die than spend eternity without us.

Make the most of this awful/amazing day.

Here’s a song for you. Just take a few minutes for Him who gave his entire life.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jG95dcV15LU

Doctor Day…

Today was a doctor’s appt. day- so that means I need to update you on the progress and life of Baby Wisslead…

I am a little over 33 weeks pregnant and have already started jumping ahead on Babycenter.com to the next week’s updates because I’m so anxious. My doctor said to me today “You’re 33 weeks already? This is flying by.” I could tell by the look on his face that he realized what he had said was absolutely ridiculous in my eyes. Lately, I’ve been reallllly trying to embrace being pregnant though- because I’ll be that person (just like with everything else in my life) that when it’s gone, I’ll miss it…even though I am not really enjoying it that much. Either way- I’m enjoying that I can now feel the little elbows and heels and it’s tiny butt. HA- It really is quite amazing now that I realize this growing stomach isn’t really a stomach…it’s an actual child. Bizarre…

We had a few baby showers a couple weeks ago! My Youth group girls (which was AMAZING to see them) and Christopher’s family and my work all through showers for Baby W. After looking at the amount of gifts we received to begin this new journey- we were blown away (Chris and I…the baby didn’t see them) by how loved we are and how loved this tiny peanut is already! Spoiled doesn’t begin to describe it. Here’s our living room after we got everything organized

Ready for Baby Fun! With 3 tubs Baby W should be decently clean most days...

We also got a very exciting Jogging stroller Which I might add- happens to be the most exciting gift I think i’ve ever received…ever. Something about how pimped out it is makes me so excited.

Annnnnnd Baby W. has a place to sleep. We went to pick this up and when we got home I needed it to be set up RIGHT THAT MINUTE. I set it up in the Living Room only to find it wouldn’t fit into the bedroom door frame…so I had to take it back apart. HA.

Snuggly, Snuggly! This hooks right up to our bed so we can have the little monkey right there for the first couple months...

Shortly after, Baby W. will move into a “big kid” crib that we got from Burlington Coat Factory and it’s precious. Unfortunately, it’s not set up yet but here’s a tiny picture of it

No bedding picked out yet…I think I’ll wait until the baby is actually here- that way ribbons and bows can be used if need be.

Other than shower action I’ve been feeling very good! Just very antsy. My friend Barbie had her baby last week and holding him made me even more giddy for their new “Benjamin” to have a friend! The doctor said everything looks great, the baby is flipped and down where it’s supposed to be and now it’s just a waiting game. Hope everyone is doing great! We’ll be heading home this weekend for Easter, so perhaps we’ll see some of you! Here’s a picture of Christopher beginning his “handyman” duties and building a little storage unit for the baby’s room

He said it was "dumb" to smile. You can see the excitement on his face though

And lastly, the reason I had to order a different dress for my cousin’s wedding (mine won’t zip or come close to fitting) :

Thanks for helping me count-down! Talk to you soon!

<3 Ash